Look, I’ve been in this game a long time. I’ve sat in the fancy boardrooms in the city where the coffee costs ten bucks and the account managers wear suits that cost more than my first ute.
And honestly? Most of what happens in those rooms is absolute rubbish.
If you’re running a business in Brisbane—whether you’re a sparky in Coorparoo or running a law firm in the CBD—you don’t have time for ‘brand synergy’ or ‘narrative arcs’. You want the phone to ring. You want more jobs on the books. You want to know that for every dollar you hand over to a marketing agency, you’re getting a few more back in the till.
But here’s the problem. Marketing is one of the few industries where people can hide behind a wall of confusing words to cover up the fact they aren’t doing anything useful.
I’m going to show you how to spot the bullshit before it costs you a fortune.
1. They talk about 'Reach' instead of Revenue
If your agency sends you a report every month bragging about 'impressions' or 'reach', be careful.
Reach just means people saw your ad. It doesn’t mean they liked it. It doesn’t mean they clicked it. And it definitely doesn’t mean they bought anything. You can’t pay your mortgage with 'impressions'.
I’ve seen agencies tell clients, “Great news! Your brand reached 50,000 people this month.”
My first question is always: “And how many of those 50,000 people actually called the office?”
If they can’t answer that, they’re taking you for a ride. A good agency should be obsessed with your bottom line. They should be talking about how many enquiries came through the website and what those leads are costing you.
2. The 'Brand Strategy' that’s just a fancy PDF
This is a classic. You pay five or ten grand for a 'Brand Strategy'. They spend a month 'researching', and then they present you with a 40-page slide deck full of pretty pictures, some mood boards, and a bunch of words like 'authentic' and 'disruptive'.
But does it actually help you sell? Usually, no.
Real strategy isn't about picking a colour palette. It’s about figuring out why a customer chooses you over the bloke down the road. It’s about making sure people buy from you because they trust you can do the job, not because your logo looks like a tech startup from San Francisco.
If your agency spends more time talking about your 'brand essence' than how to get more bookings, they’ve lost the plot.
3. They won’t show you the numbers (The real ones)
I’ve met business owners who pay $2,000 a month for Google Ads, but they have no idea what they’re actually spending on the ads versus what they’re paying the agency.
That’s a massive red flag.
You should have total transparency. You should know exactly how much goes to Google and exactly what the agency's 'management fee' is. If they bundle it all together into one 'marketing package' and refuse to break it down, they’re probably skimming a bit extra off the top or hiding the fact that your ads aren't performing.
And don’t get me started on 'proprietary dashboards'. If they won’t give you direct access to your own Google Ads or Analytics account, they’re holding your data hostage. Run. Fast.
4. They blame 'The Algorithm'
Whenever things go quiet and the phone stops ringing, a bullshit artist will blame 'the algorithm'.
“Oh, Google changed their settings.” “Facebook is making it harder for small businesses.”
Look, Google changes things all the time. But if your marketing is solid—if your website works on phones, loads fast, and actually says something people care about—an algorithm update shouldn't tank your business overnight.
Usually, 'the algorithm' is just code for “we haven't touched your account in three months and we have no idea why it’s not working.”
5. Your website looks pretty but doesn't work
I see this all the time in Paddington and Milton. Fancy boutiques or professional services spend $15k on a website that looks like a piece of art.
But try to find the phone number. Go on. It’s hidden in a 'Contact' menu, or it’s a tiny icon at the bottom.
You need a site where a tired tradie or a busy mum can find what they need in two seconds. If your agency is more worried about the 'whitespace' and the 'minimalist aesthetic' than putting a big, fat 'Call Now' button at the top, they are failing you.
A website is a tool to make money. It’s not an art project. If it doesn’t make it easy for visitors to turn into customers, it’s a waste of digital space.
6. They don’t understand your actual business
If you’re a plumber, your marketing needs to be about emergencies and reliability. If you’re a lawyer, it’s about trust and results.
If your agency treats every client the same—using the same 'cookie-cutter' templates for a nail salon as they do for an earthmoving business—you’re in trouble.
I always tell my clients: if I don’t understand how you make a profit, I can’t help you grow. An agency should be asking you about your margins, your best-selling services, and which jobs you actually want more of.
If they aren't asking those questions, how can they possibly know who to target with your ads?
7. The 'SEO' Magic Trick
SEO (Search Engine Optimisation) is the biggest smoke-and-mirrors show in marketing.
Agencies love it because they can charge you a monthly retainer and tell you “it takes time” for 12 months while doing absolutely nothing.
Yes, it takes time. But you should see progress. You should see your business showing up for more relevant searches in Brisbane every single month.
If they send you reports showing you’re ranking #1 for your own business name... well, no kidding. You should rank for your own name. You’re paying them to make you rank for what people actually search for, like "emergency plumber Brisbane" or "best accountant near me".
8. They ignore your reputation
Marketing isn't just ads. It’s what people say about you when you aren't in the room.
A lot of agencies will happily take your money to run Facebook ads, but they won’t tell you that your 2.5-star Google rating is why nobody is calling.
If they aren't helping you fix your reputation, they’re just pouring water into a leaky bucket. You can spend all the money in the world on fancy marketing, but if the first thing people see is a bunch of bad reviews, they’ll go to your competitor.
How to fix it
So, what do you do if you think you’re being fed a load of rubbish?
First, ask for a 'no-jargon' meeting. Tell them to explain your results like they’re talking to a normal person. If they can’t explain where your money went and how many leads it generated without using words like 'engagement' or 'optimisation', you’ve got your answer.
Second, look at your bank account. Marketing should be an investment, not a bill. If you’ve been with an agency for six months and you haven't seen an increase in enquiries or sales that covers their cost, something is wrong.
At Local Marketing Group, we don’t do the fluff. We’re based right here in Brisbane, and we care about one thing: making sure your marketing actually works.
If you’re sick of the bullshit and want someone to give it to you straight, give us a yell. We’ll take a look at what you’re doing and tell you honestly if it’s working or if you’re just lighting money on fire.